My Year of Finding BLISS...
What the heck?!? Sometimes, I simply cannot believe where the Universe is sending me. The messages wreck my day and rack my heart and it's time to begin another new year! I have asked and questioned and hoped to discover some peace, to find a way to move forward and still feel like myself. I am tired of always searching!
Today, however, dawns some clarity. I understand. I am filled with questions and fear but I do understand. I have to make a choice. Do I spend the next year of my life trying to recreate what has been, what has fulfilled me in the past? Or, do I learn to uncover what truly makes me happy?
Here's the thing. I don't know what makes me happy. I married for the first time at 19. I had three beautiful, amazing, talented, creative sons and then, I learned that my husband was gay, fell in love with another man, got divorced, remarried, inherited three step-kids and began parenting six kids under 10 all by the ripe old age of 30. My second husband and our six kids have been my focus, my world in fact, since what now feels like the beginning of time itself.
What makes me happy? I have no freakin' idea. I really don't know. I have spent the largest part of my life making other people happy, making sure that their needs were met. I want comfort and joy and peace and abundance for my children but in the process of ensuring all of this, I have lost myself, my own inner joy, my identity.
I would have to return to 17 or 18 years old to remember who I am and what I want. Is that even possible? As my last son has left for college, I have been in a two year tailspin trying to figure this out. Baby. Foster kids. Adoption....seeing a pattern here? I have truly been trying to keep my past as my present. The "nurturing Mom" role is how I have defined myself. It's what I know. Have you ever been in such a state of fear that you are unable to move forward? This is my fear of change. My fear of having to uncover my true identity. It's like a mystery to be solved and I haven't been positive I wanted to take part in the uncovering process!
This morning, I have realized that fear is my guiding light. Well, at least, it has been. I have no idea what my future can look like without making other people happy, without feeling the need to constantly be "of service" to others. It is time for change. Change that MUST come from deep within me. How? Where? I have no clue. But, I do know that it's time.
I have decided through many small and large nudges from this Universe, from Spirit, that it is time to embark on a journey that will offer me guidance for the second half of my life. I am going to discover myself. I am going to search for, through trial and error, what brings my BLISS. I mentioned to my energy healer that I hate the word BLISS. I despise it because I have no idea how that simple word relates to me or my life or my world. I don't know what brings me BLISS (I simply don't remember) but I intend to find out. This year that seems to be my mission, my challenge.
Why the capital letters for the word BLISS? I plan to make this word the forefront of my work, my play, my study, my reading, my everything for the year of 2018. My Year of Finding BLISS. I don't have all of the answers. I know that it is so much easier to offer others intuitive guidance and messages than it is to discover my own but, so be it and so it is. I am beginning this journey. I will blog it, Instagram it and totally share it with you because I believe that I am on this planet, in this time to discover my BLISS and share my process. It almost feels like a life purpose for right now and I intend to treat it as such.
On the outside, my life is fine. Simply fine. I have great kids, a secure marriage, financial security, a home, cars, a few close friends, a life. But, on the inside, I am struggling to discover myself as I seem to have misplaced her years ago in the chaos of raising a family and nurturing a marriage. My goal is to re-discover her through trial and error and by continually asking the question of What Brings Me BLISS?
I hope you can join me and continue to check in throughout the year. I don't know what it will look like so I can't tell you what to expect but I can say that it will most likely involve chocolate, tears, yoga, prayer, beer, travel and hopefully, some BLISS along the way!
In advance, thank you for joining me and know that I am sending you many blessings, much clarity and abundant joy for this New Year!